Children are being raised in systems, such as some schools, early childhood programs, residential care settings, and even the justice system, that view behaviour through a lens of control—managing actions with rewards and consequences to maintain order. But what if behaviour isn’t something to be managed, but understood as an indicator of wellbeing? When we see behaviour as an attempt to meet an unmet need, we shift from reacting to symptoms to responding with compassion. The Phoenix Cups® framework shows us that so-called “attention-seeking” is often “connection-seeking”—an invitation to build meaningful relationships and nurture wellbeing (Phoenix, 2020).
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Traditional behaviour management approaches often label children’s actions as “attention-seeking,” positioning behaviour as something to be corrected or controlled, often with strategies like “planned ignoring” or “selective attention.” But what do these strategies say about our image of the child? If we see children’s behaviour as something to be controlled, are we viewing them as capable, complex human beings? Or are we seeing them as objects to be managed? When we reframe this behaviour as “connection-seeking,” we recognise the fundamental human need behind the behaviour. Children aren’t misbehaving—they’re trying to fill their need for connection. When this need is unmet, behaviours that impact on inclusion or challenge adults may emerge as children attempt to meet it the only way they know how.
When we label behaviour as “attention-seeking,” we risk dismissing the child’s underlying need and overlooking the motivation behind the behaviour. Children seek connection because it fulfils a fundamental human need. They are wired for relationships, belonging, and emotional safety. When we understand that behaviour is motivated by a need to fill a Connection Cup, we can respond with empathy rather than judgement. This perspective invites us to see the child behind the behaviour, recognising their need for connection, inclusion, and belonging.
The Phoenix Cups® framework offers a way to understand behaviour through the lens of basic human needs. It moves away from controlling behaviour and instead recognises that all human actions are attempts to fulfil essential needs, represented as metaphorical Cups: Safety, Connection, Freedom, Mastery, and Fun (Phoenix & Phoenix, 2019). When these Cups are full, children feel a sense of security, belonging, autonomy, competence, and joy. But when they’re empty, behaviours that challenge adults may emerge as children attempt to fill them the best way they know how, given their skills, knowledge, and brain growth and maturation.
The Connection Cup, in particular, plays a significant role in behaviours often labelled as “attention-seeking.” Children who are seen as demanding attention are often seeking connection, inclusion, and belonging. By understanding that these behaviours are attempts to fill an empty Connection Cup, educators can respond with empathy and curiosity rather than frustration or punishment. This shift in perspective allows us to see the need behind the behaviour, fostering a more compassionate and effective approach to supporting children’s wellbeing.
Strategies for Fostering Connection
Understanding behaviour as an attempt to meet an unmet need allows us to shift from controlling actions to fostering connection. Two practical strategies that support this are maintaining a positive interaction ratio and using the “Say What You See, Ask a Question” strategy.
The Magic Ratio (5:1 Positive to Negative Interactions)
Research suggests that maintaining at least five positive interactions for every negative interaction creates a positive emotional climate and strengthens relationships. This is known as the 5:1 Magic Ratio (Gottman, 1995; Carrère & Gottman, 1999). In educational settings, this ratio can significantly impact a child’s sense of belonging and connection. When adults provide five positive interactions—such as encouragement, acknowledgment, or shared joy—for every corrective or directive statement, they create a secure and supportive learning environment. This doesn’t mean offering empty praise or superficial affirmations, but rather engaging in meaningful, genuine interactions that recognise the child’s efforts and contributions. Research supports that this positive-to-negative interaction ratio is a key factor in maintaining effective relationships and behavioural learning environments (Sabey, Charlton, & Charlton, 2018). By maintaining this balance, educators can ensure that their interactions do not inadvertently empty children’s Connection Cups. This shift in approach supports relationship building and reduces the reliance on corrective or directive statements that can unintentionally disconnect and disempower children.
“Say What You See, Ask a Question” Strategy
Developed by Phoenix Support for Educators, the “Say What You See, Ask a Question” strategy is a powerful tool for neutralising negative interactions (Phoenix Support Publishing, 2020). Instead of directing or correcting a child’s behaviour, this strategy invites curiosity and collaboration. It involves first observing and acknowledging what the child is doing without judgement or instruction (e.g., “I see you’re climbing on the bookshelf”). Then, it follows up with a question that encourages problem-solving and shared responsibility (e.g., “Is there a safer place where you can practise your climbing?”). This approach not only fosters connection but also empowers children to think critically and make considerate choices. By using this strategy, educators model respectful communication and create opportunities for meaningful interactions that fill the Connection Cup.
It’s time to rethink how we respond to children in all systems designed around children, like education and care settings, then beyond. It’s time to move beyond controlling behaviour and start nurturing connection. When we see behaviour as an indicator of wellbeing, we honour the child as a whole person. Children and young people are complex, capable, and deserving of the right to be heard, to be treated with dignity and respect, and to develop to their full potential, as enshrined in the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child (United Nations, 1989). Let’s choose connection over control, curiosity over judgement, and compassion over compliance. Let’s build environments where childhoods flourish and children and young people feel secure, valued, and joyful. The power to shift from behaviour management to fostering wellbeing is in our hands. The change starts with us.
Reference List
Carrère, S., & Gottman, J. M. (1999). Predicting divorce among newlyweds from the first three minutes of a marital conflict discussion. Family Process, 38(3), 293-301. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.1999.00293.x
Gottman, J. M. (1995). Why marriages succeed or fail: And how you can make yours last. Simon & Schuster.
Phoenix & Phoenix. (2019). The Phoenix Cups: A Cup Filling Story. Phoenix Support Publishing.
Phoenix, Sandi (2020). Educator Toolkit for Behaviour. Phoenix Support Publishing.
Sabey, C. V., Charlton, C., & Charlton, S. R. (2018). The “Magic” Positive-to-Negative Interaction Ratio: Benefits, Applications, Cautions, and Recommendations. Journal of Emotional and Behavioral Disorders, 27(3), 154–164. https://doi.org/10.1177/1063426618763106
United Nations. (1989). Convention on the Rights of the Child. United Nations General Assembly. https://www.unicef.org/child-rights-convention